Nobody's Fault But My Own
by Lady Feylene
Summary: A solilique, by Sirius, after the war. Character death, mild slash.


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Disclaimer: Sirius and Peter do not belong to me. I am making no money off of this at all. Song lyrics belong to Beck.

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Warning: Angsty! Character death...and slashy themes. Dark and saddening, as usual.

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Dedication: To Mathilda, another Peter/Sirius shipper. We must gather our strengths together! And I just want to apologize to Peter for the contents of this fic. Sorry, you know I love you...

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Author's Note: I was sitting and working out the next chapter in Deathsong, when this came to me. I was listening to Beck's 'Mutations' CD, and the song 'Nobody's Fault But My Own' came on, and all I could think of was Peter and Sirius. And then, as I am attempting to write, this fic refuses to get out of my head. Needless to say I had to write it before I could get any more of Deathsong done.

This is depressing. I don't know why I wrote it, but I did. I'm not even in a depressed mood. But this is dark and angsty. And we see sympathetic Sirius! Yay! See, I can write him like that! Just not that often. I have an easier time making him likeable with Peter. Here, I just want to give him a hug, regardless of what he's just done. And...almost 40 fics done! I am proud....

Nobody's Fault But My Own

_//Treated you like a rusty blade//  
//a throwaway from an open grave//  
//cut you loose from a chain gang and let you go//_

I didn't think it would hurt. Not like this. I mean, I dreamed of this moment nearly every waking minute, and most of my sleeping ones too. I went over it again and again and again, play by play, word by word. It wasn't supposed to go like this. It was supposed to be glorious and triumphant. There were supposed to be trumpets blaring and golden shafts of light and angels singing and all of that. It wasn't supposed to be cold, and painful, and it wasn't supposed to be so silent. You weren't supposed to cry like that, or look at me the way you did. You were supposed to fight me, denounce me, call me all sorts of names. You weren't supposed to just stand there, green eyes all big and scared and watery. You weren't supposed to beg softly, hunched over and wringing your hands. You weren't supposed to say my name like you used to. You were supposed to spit and scream, and be this hateful thing. 

But you weren't.

You were just this sad, tired shadow of what you used to be. You didn't even try to run this time. You just looked at me, and I could tell you were crying even before I got up close. I know what you said, and maybe it's true. Maybe you were sorry for what you did. Shit, I hope you were. You had to be. Only some sort of monster wouldn't be, and you may have been a lot of things, but you were never a monster.

//and on the day you said it's true//  
//some love holds, some gets used//  
//tried to tell you I never knew//  
//it could be so sweet//

How did we all come to this, Peter? I never saw myself sitting here, in the rain, cold and wet and miserable. But I never saw James and Lily dead to Voldemort, either, so I guess it's true that you never can tell. I never thought you'd betray us, Peter. You were always so fragile and meek. Maybe that's why you did it. Because we always called you all those things. Did we push you away?

I thought I stopped loving you, that night. But I guess I didn't, or I wouldn't be sitting here crying like this. I hate to cry, Peter. I didn't even really cry when James and Lily died, I couldn't. It hurt too much to cry. I didn't understand why you'd done it. And all I could think of was getting my hands on you and making you pay. I could taste it, what it would feel like. I saw myself doing it bare-handed, the bones in your neck snapping and shattering in my grip. You would twist and squeal, hands clawing at my wrists. It would be perfect.

//who could ever be so cruel,//  
//blame the devil for the things you do//  
//and who would ever want to dance with you//  
//say it's true, I know it's true//

I know I'm to blame, somehow. Not even for switching being their Secret Keeper. I must have done something before that, to push you into doing what you did. Maybe I didn't love you enough, or not the right way. Remus once said you were 'fragile flame, to be sheltered'. I laughed at him, when he said that. Maybe that was it. I wasn't gentle enough with you, tender enough. I was too rough. I should have been more careful with you.

I've always made a mess of things. You gave me your heart, and what did I do with it? I fucked it up, somehow. Just like I fuck everything up. I was never what I should have been to you. You deserved someone better, someone much more considerate. I never even remembered an anniversary. And you were such a hopeless romantic. I was just a big dumb jock. I didn't treat you how I should have. I realize that now. You were different then the rest of us. Why didn't I see that then? Why is everything so clear in hindsight? It's not fair.

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//tell me that it's nobody's fault//  
//nobody's fault//  
//but my own//

I guess that's why it was me, here tonight. I started it, I had to finish it. That's the way these things go. I almost wish I hadn't. Almost. And I'm sorry. I didn't enjoy it, not like I thought I would. Things are never the way you think they'll be. For a minute there, when I kissed you, it was like how it used to be. You sort of trembled in my arms, just like you always did. But it was just for a minute. Then everything was back to now, and we were old and used up and tired. We all got tired, all three of us. 

You wanted me to do it. You asked me to do it. It wasn't supposed to be like that. But part of me's glad it was. It was sort of fitting. Were you scared? I couldn't tell. Your lower lip was quivering, and you were trembling like mad, but that could have been from the cold. There was a determined glint in your eyes, and a strong set to your jaw, and you threw your shoulders back and looked me right in the eye.

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//when the road is full of nails,//  
//garbage pails and darkened jails//  
//and their tongues are full of heartless tales//  
//that drain on you//

I like to think it was your bravest moment. You didn't have many. In a way, it reminded me of the time we first made love. You asked me to. You came to me in the night, asking me if I'd make love to you. And I could tell you were scared, but you were trying so hard to be brave. Part of me wanted to, but another part didn't. Wanted to put it off. Just like tonight. And just like tonight, I took you in my arms, and I promised you you'd be okay, and it wouldn't hurt, and I'd take care of you. I lied both times, I guess.

I was never very good at protecting you. I didn't try hard enough. I guess I figured you could handle yourself. You couldn't, could you? I remember you sued to have nightmares. You'd cry, in your sleep. We used to tease you about it. We shouldn't have. What were your nightmares about, Peter? What made you whimper, and toss and turn in the dead of night, waking me up to try and comfort you? You never told us, and you never will. I hope you don't have any nightmares anymore, Peter.

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//who would ever notice you//  
//you fade into a shaded room//

I can't stay here forever, neither of us can. I want to though. It would be so easy, to just slip into a coma out here, to just let go and forget everything. But I can't. They need me, just like you did once. You needed me tonight though, I saw it in your eyes, felt it in your kiss. I guess, in a way, we were lucky. Lucky to have each other. You wanted me because of who I was, not just because I was some pretty face. And I wanted you because I saw something special, something no one else saw. They used to laugh at you, and maybe I laughed to, but I laughed because I loved you.

It's getting colder. It's almost too dark to see. I can hardly see you now, just an outline. Don't worry, I'm not going to leave you here. What did I tell you? I'll stay with you, until it's all over. I promised you that, too. I try and keep my promises. I promised I'd always love you, and I did, didn't I? I promised I'd be there till the end, and I did, didn't I? Of course. See, I keep my promises. And I'm so sorry. Damn it Peter, I am so, so sorry. 

I promised I'd kill you, and I did.

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End file.
